Saturday, December 02, 2006

Breathe Deep...

Poloticians, morticians, philistines, homophobes,

Skinheads, dead heads, tax evaders, street kids
Alchoholics, workaholics, wise guys, dim-wits,
Blue Collars, white collars, war mongers, peace nicks

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Suicidals, rock idols, shut-ins, drop-outs
Friendless, homeless, penniliess and depressed
Presidents, residents, foreigners and aliens
Dissidents, feminists, xenophobes and chauvenists

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Evolutionists, creationists, perverts, slum lords,
Dead beats, athletes, protestants and catholics,
Housewives, neophytes, pro-choice, pro-life,
misogynists, monogamists, philanthropists, blacks and whites

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Police, obese, lawyers and government
Sex offenders, tax collectors, war vets, rejects
Atheists, scientists, racists, sadists,
Photographers, biographers, artists, pornographers

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Gays and lesbians, demagogues and thespians
The disabled, preachers, doctors and teachers,
Meat eaters, wife beaters, judges and juries
Long hair, no hair, EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE...

Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God

-Lost Dogs

Friday, September 22, 2006

"Life's a gas" - C. Andersen

There is a lot of venting about to happen here. You have been warned.

What should i do???

Please read and let me know. I don't care who you are. I need help.

Just when you think things could'nt get any worse.....

....this Tuesday our gas got shut off. We got the little green slips in the mail letting us know. No joke. It was due to late payments and minimum payments. Cold showers and no stove. It's all about giggles and fun here at the Catholic Worker.
(It's very coooold in here right now.)

Thankfully it will be back on hopefully some time tomorrow. We have been charged a crazy amount of money that we can't really hope to pay (fully, that is)...we are required to pay the balance within 2 weeks or we will get sgut off again! So Don sent out a mass email basically begging everyone and anyone for help. We have recieved some generous emails from people who want to send money...and other kinds of help. How nice.

And as per usual, my name wasnt mentioned in the damn email. Which I think is the straw that is breaking the camels back. After a year of living in this house, living through the burn out of 2 co-workers, being the only one left in this house, having survived 9 months of insanity, kidnappings, crack users, shootings, theft, a lot of "grinning and bearing it", feeling virtually invisible on this block, putting my mental and many times physical health at risk, having to ask all residents in my house to leave and the subvsequent madness, and more recently living through undoubtedly the worst/hardest 2 months I think I have ever experienced which i won't get into cause if i do I might barf. ( i could generally go on for a long time here - but i'll spare all the details)...all this for the sake of the community....and then finally when things get so bad that a desperate plea for help has to be sent out...I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!! Every time i think the worst is over...the pit just keeps on deepening.

I know by now many of you might be asking: why am i still here?
What has this community really given to me outside of some major melt-downs and feelings of complete isolation, and the real kicker: the total ravageing of my spiritual and creative life?

I guess i just wanted so badly to salvage something good out of a very wrong situation. I want to be able to do some of the things I've dreamt about doing here. I want something to show for all the work and tears and pain of this year...something good...something beautiful and life-giving. But I'm too tired to do anymore dreaming.

One of the hardest parts about all of this, is that after all of this I can't even say that I have made very many true and lasting friendships/relationshpis. ironically that is what a community is supposed to be about. I can think of 3 people, and for those I am very thankful...but I keep asking myself...has all this been worth it for that?

In Conclusion: I do really want to leave. Thats the truth. But i don't know where to go or what to do from here.
I'm afraid of the overwhelming bitterness that may ensue as a result of doing all this work and having to leave without doing anything I really wanted to do. I just feel so worn out and under valued and unappreciated.

I feel like an old piece of garbage that has been chewed up and will soon be spat out.

what should i do? ? ? ?
how do i know if i should leave...or if i need to stick this out. if you have an opinion...please give it?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

when Jesus drinks

so thankful for generous friends with comfortable apartments for me to lie down in.
Even ones that are half packed...or close to half.

yet again, writing this from Aprils apartment. have spent the afternoon watching TV here - doin' nothing. boxes and bags full of her stuff packed up. she'll be going to Costa Rica middle of October. looking around here it is becomeing painfully real.
...the fact that she really is leaving. hard thing. difficult thing when people you love, who have become part of the fabric of your life, go away. makes me sad.

sad today. tired. wondering if all this is going to be worth it. it doesnt feel like it right now. it feels a little more like slow dying. i'm loseing my faith in people . talking and talking and talking in circles and i don't even know if this is where i should be. feel as if i'm banging and banging my head against a brick wall - for what??

SO frustrated with people who like to talk talk talk out of thier asses about "the Beloved Community" ad about ideasls- preaching about the beauty of living in community yada yada yada, when the shit hits the fan the talkers scatter like ashes in the wind. when it comes down to the really really hard stuff, the ones who talk the loundest run the farthest away. and it makes me reeeaaaaally friggin MAD. it makes me want to rant and rave and swear. it makes me want to say:

"wow - you big bunch o' hypocrites - you are the kind that probably make Jesus want to drink gin staight outta the cat dish. He is quite a guy to love you in spite of you acting like big, stupid, pompous idiots. Maybe you'd best shut your trap about your high and mighty ideals from now on, unless your prepared to walk the talk. f*&%*ers."

yeah - I'm all about cutting through the crap right now. Believe me when i say - thats it's a big job - cause there seems to be a mountain of crap to cut through around here. big old stinky pile.

and on that happy note.....

Friday, September 08, 2006

The fall.

I have been such a bad blogger lately.

September is here...the air is smells like new beginnings.
I wish I were about ot head back into school - buying books - sniffing thier new crisp pages - taking long strolls through an ivy covered campus and laying my head down on a red velevet covered chair in the red library with a book and a highlighter. The fall always makes me feel like starting something fresh...something new yet familiar. Makes me feel like travelling!!

Strange to be feeling all these things when my life situation is about the farthest thing from fresh and new. Instead of branching out into a new horizon, I have been given the most unpleasant job of dusting the cobwebs off an experiment gone bad, and a community of people coming un-hinged. Or just gone moldy or wonky. Actually it's quite a lot more complicated and serious than that, in a way. A lot of hard work to be done...and being done. Too much to explain. Am i being cryptic??

I did spend a beautiful 8 days of silence last month at Loyola House which is a Jesuit retreat and training centre in Guelph. (You may have heard of it by way of a big old Wal-Mart scandal that has been on-going. The monks lost of course. I saw the beginnings of it while I was there. A monstrosity!)
My 8 days there were a gift to me, and a reminder that God is ever and always present..even in the darkest and lonliest of circumstances.

Reading a 'laugh-out-loud' poignantly bizarre book by Christopher Moore entitled "Lamb - The gospel according to Biff, Christs childhood pal". It is truly one of the funniest and most facisinateing books I've read in a long time. Not for the theologically faint of heart - it may offend some....just a warning. It has many sweet little nuggets of truth of my favorites that i had never heard is this one:

"The three jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation and humility.
Compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership."

I'll leave you on that note.
I do love the fall.


Sunday, July 30, 2006

unexpected gifts

First post in awhile...

It's been a hot'n'sweaty July. A high stress and mentally exhausting month....and will probably continue until at least October, and maybe into November. I feel in the middle of a dark tunnel. And the only way out is through. There is no avoiding a lot of mess and pain.
Life seems so hard and heavy right now. Very hard.

But - It's a lovely Sunday for me....Met Shelley this morning at a beautiful little Anglican church downtown -
St.George the Martyr. It was quite an unexpected gift. I can honestly say it is probably the first time I have felt truly nourished inside of a church in over a year. I felt strengthened after the sacrament. I felt more relaxed than i have in a very long time. Sitting in the pew with my eyes closed and breathing slowly...i felt a bit as if I was in the warm lap of God. The piano player played the Ave Maria as the priest annointed and prayed over some of the parishioners after the celebration of the Eucharist....and during the singing of a particularly beautiful hymn I just cried and cried. The silence....the peace....Totally and wholly unexpected. I believe I have found a church I actually want to attend. I'm so glad for it.

Then we biked back to Roncessvalles and met April....who will actually be moving to Costa Rica for a year: Crrrrrrrrrazy. Anyway - then we got coffee's, Shelley cut my hair in April's back yard, and A and S left for Freedomize I stayed here to watch Aprils TV and get a shower. Man, I love my friends. I am so lucky. sooooo...I've been vegging out wrapped in one of her big bath towels....this has been a retreat day. a true sabbath. i think i will watch a movie.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfall
all your waves and breakers
wash over me
wash over me
wash over me
and heal me.


Thursday, June 29, 2006

questions on Community

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
bring the whole thing down

-Over the Rhine

Yet another bigger transition is coming about in the CW community. I guess we all knew this was a'coming - with the end of the 'year' that I said I would be here - almost upon us. It is no fun here right now, though. But hasnt really been much fun for about 3 months now. Not that things should always be fun. No not at all.

However annoying and disconcerting new changes are, they do bring certain fresh possibilities to the fore - that i did not have much room to entertain before now. ... new questions arising from these shifts....such as:

1) What are the top 5 most important things that I want/need for my life out of living in community with others?
2) What is a sustainable and healthy way for me to live and be in community?
3) What would I do differently (based on the the current experience)? What would remain the same?
4) If I had a choice, who are the people in my life, or who i know, who I would most want to live in longer term community with? Why?
5) What would my ultimate philosophy or vision statement for an intentional community be?
6) How can I live in community in a way that allows me to live naturally and in an unforced manner?
7) What existing intentional community do I most admire? Why?
8) If I were to help form or become part of a new community would I want to practise some form of hospitality? if so, what would that look like?
9) What would my personal non-negotiables be upon forming and living in a community?
10) At this stage in my life how much time (ie. years) would I be willing to commit to another experiment of living in community?
11) How important is it for me to remain in my current neighborhood?

These are a few of the questions that are turning and turning around in my mind. Actually I can't make it stop - no matter how badly I want to. As sick as I am of the word "community" and "intentional" I know I have to figure out whether I want to continue experienting with it or not. Is this a way of life that I am somehow called to. After the sheer craziness that this year has been it is so difficult for me to say.

I know there is a lot of "me" and "my" in the above questions...and the reason for that is - that one of the biggest things I have learned from my time here is that, if your not careful, your identity can become lost is a sea of obligations and "should's" when living in community - in a house of hospitality. It is difficult to maintain a sure sense of self when constantly surrounded by people.

I long for a simpler way of life. A more joyful life. A life with and for others. A life filled with purpose and fuelled by a bigger vision. It seems that community is probably the hardest way for a person to live...but seems that it may be the better way. The way that leads to deeper joy. But I could be deluded.

Some reflections on my experience here:
I know that the major downfall for me about living at the Catholic Worker is the drain on my artisitic & creative nature, and I know now that I can't survive longterm inside a community that is not actively feeding into and focused on creativity in some major way. I realize now that I need some form of artistic accountability....a place that affirms and celebrates art and the artist. I think I need to be part of a community that is focused more on "bieng" rather than "doing"....and than maybe the "doing" would flow out of the "bieng" (??) . I also realize that I need a place that is more concerned with cultivateing real friendship/relationship rather than projects. I think i need a more faith based community. A place where there is more of a commonality of faith expression and more communal prayer that is open somewhat natural an unforced.

Some first thoughts.

Sometimes I think that all I want to do is sit around and play my guitar for a year.

On a farm....where there is a dog....and a labrynthe....and yellow birds.


Friday, June 09, 2006

Avoiding Life...

Hey there...

It's Friday afternoon in June... and there are about a million things that I could/should be doing. But instead I am hibernateing in my room reading, lying around, checking my email and ignoreing the telephone. Good times. And so - I decided it was awhile since my last post.

I spent last week in Newfoundland. Left on very short notice due to my Poppy being quite sick. I hadnt been there in three years - since my grandmothers I decided to go knowing that I really wanted to see him before he dies. Turns out he took a turn for the better and he is actually doing really well in his new home.

It was a good week there. Nice to be in a place where the pace of life seems so much more natural and less frantic. And the air so clean!! I took many long walks in/around the city and along the paths there. The beauty of that land never ceases to amaze me.

Upon returning I have been feeling more and more unmotivated concerning the things in my life I should feel motivated my new job(s) at PNC, like life here at the worker....I just feel a bit blank about life and work. Where I should feel exited I only feel dread.

I have been craving a simpler life - a life free of endless striving and work and searching for and long lists of commitments and endless streams of people and needs and demands etc etc etc. I wonder if my energy has just run out.
Or if my desires for what I really want out of life are slowly emergeing out of a heap of responsibility that I want nothing to do with anymore.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel that if I knew that I would do whatever it takes. Maybe life really is too short to be fullfilling obligations and ignoreing true desires. I wish my calling and my desires would run into each other and meet. major clarification of what I am called to do and be is in order.

Don telling me about his friend Sara, who is going to India to finish her studies on Tabla and to learn how to sing in that beautiful way...when I heard about that something in me longs for that kind of life of discovery and plungeing into experiences. I felt the same way when I heard about Jeremy packing up his car and moving to Newfhoundland to study ethnomusicology. Something in me aches for that. To forget everythting and do something that is just for experience life in its follow my own instinct - purely.

I think that turning 30 is actually bringing on a whole lot more bigger life questions than i was anticipateing. Damn it all to hell!!! ;)

I should stop here before my head gets fuzzy and my brow permanently furrowed.
These are big questions.
and I'm hungry.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Big 30!

It' s hard to believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post! And a crrrrazy 2 months it has been.

Spring is rolling along here - as is life. Rolling right into the 30's actually. Yes - I will be 30 tomorrow. The dreaded three - zero. It's really hard to believe that in a day a pretty significant and formative decade of my life will be over. And after all the whineing and moaning about my lack of career, chidren, house, car, RRSP, pet poodle etc that i "should" have at this age...when it's all said and done I have to say that I am more than happy to leave the 20's behind.
Good-bye to "who am i?" or "what it my purpose" or "what was i born to do and bring to the world" blah blah blah. I've grown tired and impatient with these questions. I look forward to moving past them once and for all....or at least partially.
I'm looking forward to growing in wisdom and acceptance of life in whatever form it comes in. I'm looking forward to becomeing more fully woman.
I'm looking forward to being less concerned with what "should" be and more concerned with what is.
Bring on thirty, I say.
I'm game.

I had a wonderful surprise party at Zac's this past Saturday. The community and others who I love were all there. It was a very happy time. We danced and danced. One of the best things about it was watching Marcel - one of our friends and a frequent visitor - dance around in his shiny green shirt. It was such an amazing collision of worlds and a good representation of the incredible diversity of my life over the past 7 months. To say I was appreciative was an understatement. It was beautiful.

so yeah - thats that. Not much else to report at this juncture. At this very moment all are gathering around the table getting ready to share a meal. Word has it that Maybel has come...which i am very pleased about - I have missed her around here. No doubtshe'll comment on the wieght I've gained. Gotta love her.
Must go.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


It's been over a month since my last post so I thought it was time for a wee update.

I've been in Ottawa for 2 weeks. It's been good. But upon reflection...I think I probably should've gone somewhere farther away. Somewhere hot. Somewhere "other". Oh Well. I guess Cuba will have to wait.

Jim has been released! Wow. Apparently the community has been in a state of elation. Wish I could have been there.

After a pretty harrowing and overly busy 5 months - I was kindof hoping to get some needed clarity and rest over the course of the month. I think it's safe to say that I've had a lot of physical rest...and mental rest to some extent.
But I feel as far from really "rested " as ever.
I think that removeing myself from my overly active life over the past month has only helped to surface some pretty core issues that I was doing a really good job of not dealing with - or ignoreing.

I think this pretty much sums it up for me right now:
Who am I? Where is my home?

I realize that these are questions that, if asked honestly enough, will probably never be fully answered in this life. To some extent we are always searching for who we are...and for our true home. It doesnt end and wrap up into a neat little conclusion. at least mine sure as hell does not.

For me, at this stage in my life, these questions are particularly painful ones, as I feel very homeless...both spiritually and actually. I feel that I don't really fit anywhere right now. I feel that I am experienceing a crisis of identity. All of the things I used to depend on to provide me with some kind of safety, security, comfort...even joy - just don't work anymore....nothing works. It is like some rug has been pulled out from under me....and I'm left drifting.

I didnt think that living at the worker would quite literally cause me to feel - homeless. And yet - in some sense that is exactly what has happened. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe that is the whole point.
If that is the case - it still fucking sucks.

...a very uncomfortable and sad place to be. I'm impatient with the copeing mechanisms of other people. I'm frustrated that I have few people in my life right now, if anyone, who can fully understand or relate to what I am experienceing....and I don't even have the energy to try and expain it. (oh - did I mention ? I'm also eating like a pig.)

Really it comes down to this (and here is the harsh rub) - WHO CARES? who really cares that Julia feels homeless?? People, no matter who they are, usually only care about what directly affects them. Sad but true.
Quite honestly, i'm tired of trying to feel understood when it never ever works anyway and I on;y end up feeling more isolated.

So what to do? I feel like I've been gagged. Without the ability to talk about this strange transformation that is happening in me. No one wants to hear about this kind of pain and I'll go bakc to my life and go about my business and be present to others and yada yada...but who is there to care about ME - what I am feeling??

i feel very alone and a bit confused and very alien in a world that couldnt care less.
Yes - I feel sorry for myself. No i do not feel bad about it.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

If Jesus were a woman

Been thinking alot lately about what it means for me to be woman...
what it means for me to honour my womanhood in the face of a Faith that has left most women scratching the dust for a place and a role.

Genesis - God created them in his own image. Male AND Female - they were created.
Meaning that God is both male and female.
My male God has become too small. I need a "Big Momma" to use Stephs brilliante image...we all need a big strong woman to hold us. We need a Mother God just as much if not more than a Father God.
I know I do.

One of my icons of Mary and the child...I remember someone saying about it - when I look at her face I see the face of someone who truly understands me.

I am in need of a female God who truly understands me - and who truly affirms me.

Where am I allowed to be both strong and soft? Where am I allowed to apply my intuitive instict somewhere other than a typical domestic role?
How will the church allow me to be fully and truly woman - in the places where I am called to be that?

As Rohr has pointed out - If Jesus came as a woman...he would not have been recieved as revelation. Because women are natural healers and nurturers and encouragers. The crowd would have said to themselves "Typical woman" and continued on thier way.

"Jerusalem, often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings...."
-Jesus (Gospel of John 23:37)

peace -julia

Friday, February 24, 2006

Revolution of this heart

"The greatest challenge of the day is: How to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution that has to start with each one of us?" -Dorothy Day

Here's a strange thing:
Yesterday morning i was waking down my street, the sun was ablaze, the birds were tweeting and all was well....until i got to the corner of King and Close, and a woman 2 yards away from me starts running after this random man with a huge shard of glass in her hand trying to stab him! And this in front of all these school children! It was like a bad scene from a chuckie movie. Thankfully, after a bunch of people jumped on her it was all good...nobody was hurt. If it werent so horrifying it would have been helarious as she was yelling the whole time "I'm an undercover narrcotics officer you mother#%@#ing sons of bitches!!" Needless to say, this was clearly not the case.

These are the people in your neighborhood.
They're the people that you meet

In other news...
I have decided to take a break for a much of a break as i am able. Have been recognizing that I'm running on less than fumes - and it's time for a serious rest. Which i am looking forward to. I get to spend one whole glorious week alone in Shelleys apartment while she is at Loyola..then back to Zac's for 5 days...and then off to Ottawa for 2 whole weeks. yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Since entering into the Catholic Worker world and living in Zacchaeus House, this house of hospitality, I have:
-had moments of beauty never before experienced.
-observed myself at my shining best and my ugliest worst.
-observed others at thier shining best and ugliest worst.
-felt whole and accepted in a way i did not think was possible.
-have experienced inner poverty like never before.
-have loved and been loved beyond reason and logic.
-have been so lonely i have almost doubled over from the pain of it.
-have had moments of blissful happiness in arms of community and around the table that we share
-have been a student of my masters - the true teachers: the poor and the dis-placed.
-have realized that i am also just as poor and displaced
-have questioned myself and my abilities and my calling, as a human, as a christ-follower, like never before.
-have seen depths of conceit in myself that has shamed me

SOmetimes this is a terrible and beautiful place to be. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. SOmetimes it seems like the rest of the world is too much to handle. It seems the longer I am here the more i think the the society I am a part of is a sinking ship that is unaware of the depths to which it has sunk - and is sinking. And most of my peers are buying into the isolation, the oneupmanship, the dog-eat-dog mentality even if it is dressed up as poiliteness or religion or intellectualism or spirituality or what have you. I myself have bought into it. We are all so full of fear, we are all unsure of who we are, and we are all so afraid to fess up to it....because we lack the experience of true community. We will not allow oursleves to be held by the other. We live in a world where vulnerability is scorned and we therefore are are not allowed to unveil our true selves.
The other day a dear and wise friend and community member said something to me...his words and his eyes pierced me when he said:
"Julia, I don't think you have learned how to recognize your beauty. You are still in hiding"

I don't want to live up to some ghostly standard. I don't want to live in accordance with anyone else's standard. I want to be Julia (Whoever you are who is reading this...I want you to be you. It's a tought job, but who else is going to do it?) Living here has been one giant and terrifying step out of hiding. I will learn. Slowly. Painfully. Joyfully.


Monday, February 13, 2006


recovered old photos of a singing girl..thanks Dad.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

banners, activist dreams, pad Thai

Today was a busy day:

photos of the demonstration

Morning into early afternoon:

At 7:30 am I found myself in front of a courthouse on University avenue, ironically right across from the US consulate, in a demonstration supporting the appeal of Brandon Hughey, who lives with me/us at Zac's House. For a little back-ground info: Brandon (and Jeremy Hinsman) are war resisters appealing the federal court to send thier fight to stay in Canada back to the immigration and refugee board which has already denied thier claims.

They are both American war resisters who are AWOL.
They have sought political asylum in Canada, and have been in an on-going fight to stay on the grounds that they were avoiding a war that violates international human rights and which therefore is illegal.

Anyhoo...we went along with a whole crew of the war resister campaign and we dutifully held up our Toronto Catholic Worker banner and stood in proud support of our friends. It was a bright moment in what has seemed like a rough time lately...all of us hundled in the cold hopping around, trying to keep warm, holding our signs, drinking our felt good to be together supporting Brandon...and Jeremy. I only wish I had gotten into the dang court room!!

Then....Don and I had a great conversation afterwards about activism and my own specific feeling about the kind of activism I want to be more involved in: empowering the urban poor...empowering them and trying to help organize the urban, street involved to empower each other - to take thier own power organize themselves to build thier own functioning communities.....trying to flesh out my ideas...not even sure if some of them are even possible. It is always inspireing and life- giving talking to Don about such things....he is a big dreamer and he is always ready to engage my crazy ones! I am honoured to be working with him. We threw around ideas and thoughts. Some of which i need to start researching...but these are big topics for other blog enteries.

Then.... went to see the Harts (Pat Jill Ryan) new apartment - they are a family that just last week moved out of Zacs into a beautiful co-op. It was amazing to see them in thier new space - right by the water front and so beautiful. I miss them...especially little Ryan. The house is not the same without a child in it.

Then....ate at the 'Queen Mother' - on Queen (d-uh). I had the Pad Thai.It rocks there - and I read my book in a sunny corner. It was lovely.

Then.... I went to the NFB to check out some documentaries I have been meaning to see - one about the Gateway - the S.A shelter where I work - and a couple about Vancouvers East side.
One called "Heroines" about one photographers obsession with the women of the East side and he documents thier lives in his stunning photographs. He captures the soul and essence of these broken, beautiful women. It was amazing. There are a few others that i still need to see...but my time ran out.

Then....I went to my small group for the first time in what seems like forever. It was so great...Cindy cooked a fabulous meal, Pat brought donuts and sweets, Jeff broke out his electric massager that we all had a turn on (for real), we had an amazing time of worship. Then they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me! Without me even having to was such a huge massive encouragement to me. Especially during this time of burn-out/melt down that i now recognize I am experienceing. I must retreat soon. i can feel it. it needs to happen. Anyway - I love those amazing living room: Esther, Blake, Lisa, Pat, Mark, Jeff, Cindy, Rob. I am so glad i went tonight. I am so glad to have them as part of my life.

So's late and I should be sleeping. but wanted to record some of the events of my has been a good one.
peace out

Friday, February 03, 2006

warning ; explicit content

something i have been realizing: anger has alot of unruly energy attached to it.

something else i have been realizing: wow do i have alot of it.


she is justified in her sentence.
she will not be taken advantage of. she will not be commodified. she will not be toyed with. she refuses to placate and she will not play your game. she is well aware of the darkness of your shadow and it has become disgusting to her.
you arrogant fuck. you unbelievably self absorbed arrogant fuck.
wake up.
you mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. you misuse and abuse and lie to yourself - to others...and still honestly believe in the strength of your own illusions.
she is tired of your illusions. she is tired of the universe revolving around you. she is tired of you believing it.
she does not sympathize with you today. that is all over. she knows your cowardice. she almost laughs at your attempt at manipulation. she looks down at you as you moan and complain.
all she can think is what a sad sad little man you are.
all she can see is rage.

you picked the wrong woman to mess with.
you have no idea.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Monday, January 23, 2006

Nouwen on Community

this struck me hard today - so true to my experience "living" community here:

Community supported by Solitude
Solitude greeting solitude, thats what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone, but the place where we respect, protect and reverently greet one anothers aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, out solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn forcompany that will offer us immediate satisfaction. solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthes community.

Friday, January 20, 2006

There's a warm wind a- blowing...

All of our wildest dreams have come true:

It's spring in January

Gone the snow drifts. Gone the big boots. Gone the frostbite. Winter has eluded us.
I'll not fool myself into thinking that it is gone for good. But for now I will immerse myself as completely as i can into this present reality. Global warming or no global warming. This rocks.

Glorious spring in the middle of winter.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

a big ham.

No - this is not a post about my ass. (heh heh heh har har)

It's Jenna's birthday (actually it was yesterday) and we are all celebrating together tonight around the table at Zac's. I am looking forward to it - as it's been kindof lonely around the house the past week - with a good chunk of the house being away right now. Anyway, Jenna's favorite thing to eat is Ham. I'm in charge of cooking it...with her supervision of course. So that is what I'm going out to buy this afternoon. A big Ham. I get to find a big meatshop to buy a big ham. Where does one find a big Ham? How does one cook a big ham? How did I ever find mysef in the position to buy and cook a big ham? These are the moments around here that make me laugh. It will be interesting, i'm sure.

I think I just really like saying "big ham" cause i think it's funny.
big ham big ham big ham big ham.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

sick AGAIN!

Woke up today with my sinuses completely clogged and my throat all scratchy.
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.

Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.

My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block we come!!

To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.

Happy SUNday.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Global Warming and tears.

I guess it's really in effect now. I feel as if I'm being tricked into I need to plant flowers or something. It's so warm and beautiful outside....and it's almost the middle of January!!! I can't imagine how the birds feel. Pretty fucked up probably. I just really hope that we're not shovelling snow in April. That would bite. Hardcore.

had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..

So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.

Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.

and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,

Saturday, January 07, 2006

the shelter..

Worked another 12 hours at the shelter today.
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.

Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...

I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.

One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.

must take shower and sleep.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Throw down your arms....

When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become a safe place for people to meet in vulnerability, and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God , we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realize that we have no hidden agenda's or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner courage and wisdom to leave thier guns at the door and enter into conversation with thier enemies.

Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.

-Henri Nouwen

I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.

I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New year - ever so gentle.

It's uncanny the amount of inner peace i feel entering back into community life after the break.
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.

We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.

So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them remind myself:

1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.

This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!

>enter freedom.

peace folks,