I should be in bed.

When i got here I had so much stuff I wanted to get out...and now...it's all escaped. Poof - gone.

Hmmm...

I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...

What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?

I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the soul...in order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this community...in this house... but am i even called to be that right now?

I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.

i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.

A prayer to the God of my life:

When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
Joy
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.
Help.

Amen.