Sunday, November 27, 2005


I've been in Ottawa for 5 days. Taking a breather from life in the big city. from life in the big crazy community.

Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...

Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician. was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.

Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.

my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.

10-4 good buddy,

Sunday, November 13, 2005

it was a blustery Sunday night....

It's a little after 10 - post church.

It's blowing up a storm here on the lake. I had to fight my way up the steps it was so windy.

I feel tired. And I wish I was out getting drunk somewhere. I seem to be having a slight pre-occupation towards getting drunk is starting to worry me.
Warning: feeling long winded.

It was good to be at FT i feel like it has been quite awhile since I've seen some folks.. leading worship felt good - and a bit of a stress reliever....poor Chris...I think Todd scared the crap outta him...but hey - I did forwarn him.

talked with the ladies tonight about have them or not to have them...that is the question. I was saying that the problem with not (or at least trying not) to have expectations is that it can either lead you to some serious despair or aid you in becomeing completely invulnerbale. Like a rock - in the bad sense. But it can also leave you open to new things...things un-planned for....things unexpected. Like...for example...the Catholic Worker! Pat gave me a book tonight that I think is called 'a year at the catholic worker' that is some guys diary entries while he was at the worker in NYC. Gotta love that Pat. It's amazing hte relevant hings he finds at the Sally Anne.....but back to the problem of expectations....I guess sometimes I look at my life and have to ask "what the F?!" And I'm beginning to wonder if it will always be "career suicide" for me. Meaning - I walk in the directions I feel God pokeing me in...and they are rarely if ever...ones that I ever expected - or ones that seem obvious or smart. Which sometimes, quite frankly, kindof sucks. It doesnt always suck. Just sometimes. Just some moments. like right now. when I would rather be drunk than sitting in the big old house by the lake writing a blog entry. Or i would like to be in mexico.

man, I really really miss my Dad right now.

It's now almost 11oclock at night and I'm feeling tired and loopy and lonely and homesick and jonesing for a cigarette which I have to go out and buy cause I ran out. this entry is loseing any kind of coherency....if it had any to start with. So the next time i write anything here I vow to myself that it will be clear concise and have a point. ya. thats the ticket.

bye bye.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

My butt

So fall is in all her favorite time of year....and all I can do is obsess about the size of my ass.

yes. pathetic. But i swear that it is growing exponentially. It is actually scaring me. I feel like a very frumpy old lady with an ass that is getting really outta control...kindof like that girl in Willie Wonka - the one that grew into a giant blueberry. Thats kindof how I feel.

My ass is growing and a huge oversized grotesque.....blueberry!!!!! ok - that sounds really wierd. But I feel like a freak of nature. Who will love me with an ass that keeps multipling itself???? Wow. What a humiliating entry. Maybe it's a woman thing. Maybe it's an 'I'm almost 30' thing. Everytime I catch a glimpse of it - it being my backside in general - in the mirror I have to gasp and look away. And I am even wearing Black pants today. Don't believe all the hype about black being a slimming colour. All lies I tell you. ALL LIES!!!!!

you, dear reader, may think I'm overreacting. Maybe... But please don't try and placate me with a gentle "it's all in your head - your ass looks fine." because I can no longer fit my favorite belt around my growing hips. And that, my friend, is serious....inDEED.

Hmmmm....So. i'm normally one of the most un-self concious woman i know about things of this this is slightly out of charachter. I think the ass rant is over now. Until i get slammed with another wave of growing butt phobia. and believe's a phobia.

over and out,