Monday, February 28, 2005


to go to india or not to go to india...
what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to

Isnt it about time that I got myself some sort-of life instead of gallyvanting around to my hearts content? ? But what does that mean anyway? This "getting a life"? those who find thier life will lose it ...and those who lose thier life will find it. ... if thats the case then mine is bound to turn up soon!
I must remember this years mandate: JUBILEE!!!! to rest to restore & to RELAX.

i think that theres too much going on in my head right now. too much and not enough. So many questions with no answers. too tired to think about it. whatEVer.

Today I was thinking that i'd really like to see a starling again soon. I saw one with my Dad. It was sitting on the wire outside our window and it had been so long sicne I'd seen a bird that close. Then I was on my way home from teaching tonight and it was a full on blizzard and I thought to myself that I won;t be seeing a starling again anytime soon. Ah well. I miss my Dad.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

God in the Alley...

Today I've been reading this book - "God in the Alley". It's actually been a pretty disturbing read. To think of all of the crazy things that have taken place i nthe lives of Toronto's homeless. I guess you assume that people have been through hell and a handbasket, but I guess it really hits home when you read about the fine details of thier lives.

I was working a split shift today and had a break so I went down to "the path" and sat down in a food Court down there to read. it was pretty funny becasue I nearly broke down in tears numerous times while reading this book and was trying desperately to hide it from the numerous business men who were on break....I was holding it in...but the odd tear would sneak out - I think it just made matters worse. And I guess the ultimate irony is that here I was reading about the exrtreme vulnerability of the broken people described in the book, all i can do is try my damndest to remain all cool so that these business men wouldnt think I was a freak, crying in my tim hortons coffee.....oh the irony.

I think the thing that has hit me the hardest about the book and the people in it is that even though I'm not a hooker, crack addict, alchoholic, schitzophrenic, etc...I felt an eerie sense of sameness with them. Even thought I've neevr lived in a gutter (thanks be to God!) I have totally echoed the sentiments many of them of the storys about a man who had almost gottne off the streets but ended up back there...when asked why he didnt stick in out in rehab he said, pointing to the garbage heap which was his home, "I'm just a piece of shit...and this is where I belong". I read that and was like - "wo - I have felt exactly like that!". I think thats what made it difficult to read....because I am just as broken as him. and thats a hard thing to face. I think the truth is that we are all that broken...but we hate to admit the ugly we hide. becasue we think if people really knew us - I mean REALLY knew us - that would be the end of it.

I think thats the wierd beauty of the utterly vulnerable. They have nothing to hide. They have given up the pretense of having it all together. the homeless, who are disdained..ignored, are living our nightmare....they are living my nightmare. Becasue I work so hard so that i can maintain some level of dignity, i like to be respeted and loved, I want people to think I have it together - and I will fight tooth and nail to make them think that that is the case. That is also a harsh relaization.

this has been a long post. this will be an even longer inner dialogue for sure.
peace out

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

catching snowflakes


Walking out of work today I saw this little kid - probably around 11 or so. He was walking like a gangsta rapper and was clearly trying to be super cool and a lot older than his actual age...but at the same time that he was sporting this attitude he had his toungue sticking out to catch the super huge snowflakes that were falling. I laughed at him....a kid is still a kid. ...No matter how you slice it.

I had a bit of a revelation at the Armadillo today. I was - what the heck am I still doing here?? I hate my job! That was pretty much it. So I think I will quit soon. O happy day it will be when I leave the Armadillo never to return. makes me grin just thinking about it!

Met Blake for coffee after work...we went to Chapters and laughed at my new favorite book "He's just not that into you" written by this guy trying to clue in poor women attached to jerks. It makes me laugh so hard. Every woman should read it! I purchased Greg Pauls new book called "God in the Alley". Very exited to read it.

Now I must get groceries and to the task I've been dreading for over a month now...clean my room. Yikes. I wonder what I shall find.


Monday, February 21, 2005


ok - so here's the dream - I still have to find out what this means - I know of a few other people who have had this happen in thier dreams as well...get ready for it:

I had a dream that I was slowly losing all my teeth... ALL of them...starting with the molars. one by ne they would just start coming lose and then they's just be hanging there and then I'd have to pull them out. After the first five I remember that I was starting to get really concerned and thinking to myself "o mi gosh - I guess I've really been neglecting my teeth lately or something - I need to make a dentist appointement PRONTO!" But it was eventually too late for that as every tooth had fallen out. Then I was like - DAMN - I'm gonna have to get dentures. When I woke up from the dream I thought that I had a mouthful of loose teeth in my mouth. Then when I realized that it was just a dream i was REALLY relieved...I can';t stress that enough - I mean REALLY relieved.

strange...very strange.
over and out,

Thursday, February 17, 2005

back in the T dot

Got back from Ottawa tonight and it was a good trip. Althought I think I may have eaten too much. That always happens when I go mom just keeps shoving food in my face...and we tend to go out and eat alot...i think part of the wierdness is that I go from hardly eating (at least not regularly - don't worrry - I eat) to being around food all the time. It's a strange thing.

it was good to see krissy mike and the boyz again...seems like it's been awhile...Krissy will be having another baby (girl) very very soon - she thinks she'll come out earlier than the due's pretty exiting - I'm gonna be a Godmother! Wow! thats amazing. I loved looking at the babystuff...who knew you could get socks so small.

back to the Armadillo tomorrow- o joy o bliss. How I loooove fajitas - NOT! I was thinking on the greyhound ride tonight about how so much of life can be drudgery. There was this girl sitting next to me on the bus in her first year of University - She was 19 and so exited about life, toronto, school...she was really cute, genuine, and bubbly. it was nice being next to her. But also a grim reminder of how far I feel from that. I literally felt like an old woman as she was talking to me about her was almost laughable. I was just thinkign to myself "how the hell did it come to this? When did I start to feel like this very old and out-of-touch lady?" Irealize that perhaps i just felt that way due to the fact that it's the February blahs...or i was tired...and yah yah yah I know I'm not really "old". But it was justt the look in her eyes...the 'spark' that she had (for lack of a better word)...that made me feel that way.

Anywayz it's all good. Truly. I really big dog greeted me at the door tonight. and that was startling but fun. I getto hunker down with Nelson Mandela's story when I hit the hay...and it is VERY exiting. so yay.

happy Thursday.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

fun with fonts...

FOnts are FUN!

yes indeedy. Officially day 2 of my blogging experience. So far so good.

i just watched a documentary called "What happened to Deborah Winger?" Apparently she was some big actress at some point....and then she just dropped off the scene completely and never made another movie. The documentary was about women in Hollywood basically and the crazy shit that they put up with...and the ageing women actors who have to either get botoxed to death or retire because no one will hire them once thier boobs start to sag or was actually kindof depressing....

so i think i'll sign off now. nighty night cyber folks...

Monday, February 14, 2005

my first blog....

Wow - I'm a blog virgin...why do I feel as if I'm doing something naughty??!!

I think maybe because it is highly likely that no-one but complete strangers will ever read this. Who's crazy idea was this anyhow? - to post thier journal for the world to see...and why are we drawn to read other peoples private thoughts,feelings...etc...wierd. and why have i decided to do this? boredom? ican';t even spell!. ah well...i think this will be freeing in a wierd way.

It's valentines day. i'm in Ottawa. Had a bath in ma and pa's cool crib. watched the Bachlorette (oh - the shame) and thats all i'll say about that.

it's just occured to me that I really have nothing to say right now. sad but thats not true. I have something to say...
I found out tonight that our english word for person, in latin actually means "through sound".

I found that interesting. Sometimes it's just about sound. SOmeitmes i feel like a hollow gong. like there is nothing that resounds in me. and sometomes i feel like there is so much noise inside of me i could go deaf. Iampersonlistentome.


over and out,